Clerking at a busy record store, young Jack Morrell (Steve Guttenberg) works himself into a frenzy over leaving work on time. It seems he has the opportunity to DJ at a club. A plea to his boss that he’s “a composer, not a schlepper salesman” fails to get anywhere and Jack bolts out of the store in his green Izod shirt and rollerskates, yelling “My time is now!”

As Jack skates down the middle of Broadway, we’re subjected to the first of many songs. “Sound of the City” relates all the things there are to do in New York, such as, see the Yankees, or ride the subway. No mention is made of being shot nineteen times by the NYPD, however, rollerskates plus disco indicate this film belongs to a more upbeat, happy time.

We’re introduced to Jack’s roommate Sam (Valerie Perrine, taking a role Olivia Newton John turned down), a successful fashion model in the ’70s who’s starting fresh in the ’80s by retiring and eating whatever she wants. Also in her apartment is The Indian. The sight of one of The Village People hanging out in your crib would strike anyone else as surreal, but hey, we’re in New York.

Cut to the Saddle Tramps disco, where Sam comes to hear Jack DJ. He declares “Music is magic. I wanna make that magic!” While his DJ skills appear limited to taking the record out of its sleeve and lifting the needle onto the turntable, Sam likes what she hears. After dancing with her friends, a Cowboy and a Construction Worker, Sam encourages Jack to put together a demo tape.

While Jack is obviously a gifted songwriter and composer, Sam points out that his voice is “a cry for help” (kind of like this movie). She has an idea though. Let’s find some singers and cut a demo in her backyard. Destiny and her managerial skills quickly pair The Police Officer with The Indian, Cowboy and Construction Worker as they perform “Magic Nights.”

Just when you think this can’t possibly get worse, enter Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner in his acting debut, playing a tight buttoned attorney who falls for Sam. He lets her use his office as a rehearsal space, where Jack discovers The G.I. and The Leatherman. Now we have a group! True, there’s something a little different about these guys. Must be that they’re from the Village. I know, we’ll call ‘em The Village People! Cue more singing and dancing!

Directed by Nancy Walker – who played Rhoda Morgenstern’s mother on Rhoda, but I guess, really wanted to direct – and written by Bronte Woodard and Allan Carr, Can’t Stop The Music was producer Allan Carr’s follow-up to Grease. He didn’t catch lightning in a bottle twice. The film has a 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and is deemed by many as one of the worst movies ever made.

Like an Evel Knievel stunt going bad, you want to look away from this, but can’t. The origin story and acting ability of The Village People is just one disaster. You’ve also got Steve Guttenberg bopping, fidgeting and squeaking his way through this fiasco. Pharmacologists must have seen this performance and, fearing for the future of our nation, developed Ritalin.

Bruce Jenner wears a deer-in-the-headlights look throughout. It’s not Method acting, but the kind of display that makes you feel bad for a man’s family. Bruce Vilanch apparently took a pass at the script, which explains a lot. If there’s such thing as a comedic style reminiscent of The Hollywood Squares, here it is.

The lowest low of the film begins with Jenner offering to help find room and board for their merry band of aspiring musicians. Before you can figure out what’s happening, it becomes clear the producers wanted to work “YMCA” into the movie. Cue choreography of naked, sweaty men showering and exercising for what seems like an eternity. To top it off, we get to see Bruce Jenner dunk a basketball. In short shorts. My life will never be the same.

Can’t Stop The Music won Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay at the inaugural Golden Raspberry Awards. Disco fell out of popularity with radio and the decision to transform The Village People into a new wave group was obviously not a success. Steve Guttenberg would appear in several blockbusters in the ’80s, but thankfully, would never summon the ability to carry a film on his own.

Allan Carr went ahead with Grease 2 without John Travolta or Olivia Newton John, but even that bomb couldn’t rival the poor taste of this one. Be afraid, be very afraid.